What the FUCK is going on, are my thoughts today. I just came back from a successful trip to Finland into an empty apartment with no food in the fridge and not a dime to my name. This is what no-one ever talks about, nobody ever wants to admit that times are tough. Im okay with saying my fridge is empty, I was supposed to start my diet anyway, and every self-help guide always says “don’t put off what you can start today” so pass the scrap of oatmeal in my cupboard. I found myself doing nothing for about 3 days from arriving back. I mysteriously became sick, I was in the hold of a nasty stomach flu, losing my non-existant lunch wishing that I could just get some sleep and forget about it. Meanwhile I’m behind on my rent which feels crazy as I have been working like mad, my work is different however, there is alot of planning and pre-planning and pitching, before you even SEE the money. When you get a deal your set for quite some time but until that deal gets nabbed, your in limbo. Don’t get me wrong I have NO desire to go back to a horrific jewelry store position for 8 bucks an hour, I really would actually rather being hugging my toilet, but sometimes all of this following your dreams crap can be a little bit un-settling.
During this period of emptying my system, I had a moment of enlightenment (or extreme dehydration) I thought to myself, where was I when I moved here, what have I accomplished since then. Cursing the heavens while scrabbling my thoughts down on a coffee filter(did I mention I was out of toilet paper). Amazingly enough, the coolest career successes I’ve ever had are the ones where I got to pitch MY IDEAS, and then actually DO them. But unfortunately as mere mortals, we tend to forget how far we’ve come. No matter what we do, we will never ever feel good enough. There are countless examples of successful people who have been quoted saying that no matter what they have accomplished, they still feel as though they have not truly been sucessful. Is this not why why people get multiple tattoos after starting with “just one” or why adrenaline junkies keep throwing themselves out of planes? The truth is that even the bad times make us smarter, braver, more sucessful to conquer our future obstacles.
I believe that I personally have even failed myself, for just BEING sick, hmm maybe I do need to try to keep down a glass of water as my headache seemed to worsen, I thought. On the verge of tears I think, how can I be feeling as though I have somehow failed myself, even though in reality the ultimate failure would have been giving up. If for even one second I would have thrown in the towel and ran back to Finland, to a place where jobs were secure, income was certain and a stable future was guaranteed, wouldn’t that be the true statement of failure? Those who fight, who endure, and get up the next day and KEEP going because they believe in a brighter future for themselves, are the winners. We just don’t get regular “prizes” as our peers do, such as being able to pay bills on time, or go out to eat just whenever we want. We actually don’t get anything until we get EVERYTHING. The harshest critics are ourselves. Success does not happen over night, but sticking WITH IT produces very real results. I recently heard a public speaker say “feeling like a failure often means you’re moments away from your biggest success.”
As I come up for air between stomach pains I think, I hope this is the bottom because if it is, things should be looking up in no time.